Like crazy

Art

I miss you a lot, like crazy

I want to ask you, stay

Show you my scars 

The hole in my heart 

But I cannot (ask)

 
You’re a riddle, still

Figuring out yourself 

I’m just a plain page, unworthy of your time 

I need you, but 

 

You’re not mine anymore 

Belonging to other streetlights, on the river 

Under dazzling eyes, red in the night 

Across an open sea, far (away) 

 

⇝K 

New Years’

Art

It’s morning

After drinks

After talking – and not talking

After lingering looks

After dancing – dancing too close

 

It’s evening

Before anxiety

Before regreting – and not regreting

Before confusion

Before wondering – wondering what might be

 

It’s night

During fairy lights

During happening – and not happening

During extacy

During moments – moments when time stands still

 

⇝K

Update: three days to go

Words

With only three days until C-day I can’t help feeling a little bit stressed. I still have two more gifts to fix and there’s a lot of food to be made. This year’s Christmas buffet will be so awesome. My two sisters are also vegan so I have some reinforcement when it comes to making the menu. We’ll have it all, vegan salads of plenty (red and white cabbage and kale), vegan versions of classical dishes (soy-balls, vegan ham, aubergine-haring, Oumph!-ribs). I’m truly excited.

Of course you don’t have to veganize all of the traditional courses but I think it’s a great way to start. If it were only me at the Christmas table (and some of my *fabulous* vegan friends) I would totally experiment more. But alas the rest of my family are omnivores so change needs to be somewhat understandable. If I were to change everything right away I’m sure they wouldn’t let me celebrate with them next year. Maybe I’m a wee bit dramatic now but at the same time there’s some truth to my overstatement. Of course I’ll be welcome but maybe not my ideas. And now I might be underestemating my family’s ability to change. It’s tricky to navigate these waters.

Anyhow I am still very excited about the Christmas food (which is, except the gathering of family, the best thing about Christmas). I hope you all have something special prepared for this winter’s holiday!

⇝K

Waiting…

Words

Christmas is all about waiting. In late November/early December the first Advent Sunday arrives and the countdown begins. And we wait and wait. But what are we waiting for? Is it the food? The gifts? Snow? Or just the warmth in the cold season? 

I think it’s a lot of time for just one day. But what do I know. At the moment I am waiting for my favourite band to perform. The consert starts at 8 pm and I’ve been here since 11 am. Maybe the wait is worth every minute if it’s what you really want? 

Maybe I don’t understand the Christmas wait because Christmas isn’t something I really want? Well I do want it, a little bit. The gathering of family is a part of the holidays I do enjoy. So Maybe it is worth waiting for, just like my favourite band. 

What are you waiting for? 

⇝K

Things Change

Words

When reading about zodiac signs, in this case my own one, I always come across Taurus’ not liking change. I never really thought that was true for me, but now I am starting to see it; being stubborn and grounded comes a lot in to play with this, I think. Sure, I’ve changed schools, I’ve moved to London or left friend groups for new ones, mostly because of how it would change my life completely and I actually like this aspect of doing new things. But I notice that I sometimes, or most of the time, need something to push me, wether that be my mum, brave inspirational friends of just the sake of my own mental health…

By moving here, I realise I was, and to some extent still am, holding on to my old ways of life, even if I don’t necessarily want to, simply because… Well, I guess because it’s the easy thing to do, it’s what I know, it’s not scary and it’s comfortable (a very Taurus thing, to choose the comfortable over the good). I’ve wanted some things to change, in how I live my life and my “life situation”, for a while now. And some things don’t change even if you move to London, or I guess Simply because you move to London. Until now I didn’t seem to understand that the biggest things actually stopping me from changing, is Me, Myself and I. It’s a fantastic thing to realise, but it’s also scary, because these are the times when I need to push myself to change without relying on others (even though I’ve had some much needed help).

Want to meet people? To go on dates, or “get out there”? Want to find out if things in your head are real? (Spoiler alert: they might be.) Want to finally deal with your problems?

Hey, I have an idea — Do it! There’s always a way, and if there’s not, you find a way or create a way.

“For change to happen, something actually needs to change.”

I’ve been trying to live by this quote lately, and I often repeat it to myself especially when I’m sitting on a tube train in the London night, on my way to a date, nervous as fudge. I want this. You want this, J. Now, go do it. Even if it’s scary, even if it might hurt.
~ J


(Let’s pretend this post went up on the 5th, okay? Thanks. And let’s pretend it has anything to do with Christmas/winter… Oh wait maybe it does? Winter dates…? Walks along the Thames, across Tower Bridge, southbank winter market…? Hm, yes. Maybe.)

Wanted: Christmas spirit

Words

It’s December third, which means I have 21 days to find my Christmas spirit.

If you were around for last Blogmas you know what I am talking about. For all of you who weren’t I’ll say this; I am not a Christmasy-person. I don’t like Christmas music (the exception being Enyas And Winter Came), I’m far than fond of Christmas-shopping and I absolutely hate the “Christmas rush”. For heavens sake; chill!

As a child I had an abundance of Christmas spirit. I could long for Christmas so much that I would start the countdown for next Christmas at December 25th. But the more I think about the Christmas spirit of nine year old K I imagine it was just really about the gifts. I was a pretty materialistic child (like most children these days). Who wouldn’t want it to be Christmas everyday?

I don’t want to kill other people’s Christmas vibe, but I have to be honest with you; I am not in the slightest feeling Christmasy this year. I guess it’s because this year there is a huge difference; J and M. They are the most Christmasy people I know. Sometimes it’s almost like they’re living for that Christmas-glow. For the last two years their Christmas spirit has rubbed of on me. Not an earth shattering amount but enough to get me a little excited. The lack of them in my everyday life is making me less cheery.

But as they say; there is a light in the end of the tunnel (and no it’s not the afterlife). In 27 days we will be reunited. The three of us, together for the fist time since September. There aren’t enough words to describe my feelings towards this. Maybe this will be my Christmas spirit? The spirit of reunited escapers.

⇝K

Over A Month

Adventure, Words

When I started writing notes for this blog post, we’d been living in London, the city of Fog and Tube, for a month. Right now, it’s been over a month. In some ways this place is still very new, we just arrived with our lives packed up in our 20 kg bags. But in other ways, it feels like we’ve been here forever, it’s almost starting to feel like home (not “home”-home but still somewhat of a home).

It’s really difficult to explain how life has been this month (and a bit). This is an amazingly interesting and new experience. I feel like I’ve already learned a lot, about myself, about London, about other people and about the world.

But I’m not done with London. Will I ever be? Probably not. I can’t imagine leaving yet, how stressful, weird and tiring it has been. Will I ever leave? Probably, but I don’t want to.

There’s still a few (or a bunch of) things we need to sort out or I need to get done. Like a proper home. And my bank account. Etc. But things actually seem to be working out. We both managed to get jobs. We got NI-numbers. We will be fine.

Even though my job that I got here is not the most glamorous or challenging, I really like it and the place is so different, and it works.

It’s cool. Life is cool. But it’s also very strange, and new. I think that is a good thing, in fact. It’s the circle of life. And yes, I am currently listening to Disney music on the Tube to work. Soon I’ll be out in the London fog again.


~J

A Few Bumps Here and There

Words

So this will be the first post I have written since moving to London. I am currently at Starbucks waiting for J to go on her lunch break. I’m supposed to apply for jobs right now but to quote Troye Sivan I’m at “procrastination station, hohoho”.

So how has life in London been this far? Difficult, fun, overwhelming, soul crushing…

I realize it sounds like it has mostly been a hard time but it hasn’t. I have made some new friends, one of which is currently exploring Paris and another whom I talk to every day as she is the best member of staff at the hostel we are staying at.

But as you might have guessed by the title I have decided to dedicate this blog post to my recent bump on this terrifying adventure.

Yesterday was one of the hardest day this far, I have to say… Luckily my family and friends are only one FaceTime call away! Apart from feeling poorly I was fighting this battle in my head, should I accept the job I was offered even if I hated it when I had my trial? We have been here for three weeks now and I haven’t gotten any other offers. It felt like the only thing I had done these past weeks was slowly emptying my bank account… And I know some of you think I am insane for even considering turning the offer down because I could just keep looking for something else at the same time as I am working at said place. But for me it felt wrong and it caused me anxiety thinking about starting the job and then quitting it after a few weeks. It felt like I was using the nice people at that workplace and it would be so much easier for them if they chose someone else who really wanted the job and was there to stay.

Anyways what I want to say is that sometimes you have to make the decision that feels right by you, even when people tell you otherwise (unless the decision includes murdering people or animals… Yep, that took a turn to the dark side…) Also give yourself some time to think! Don’t rush into the decision. As our wise friend K said to me in my moment of conflict, sometimes the time isn’t right, you will find your dream job (or whatever your looking for) when the time is right and until then you have to choose what you will do until the that time arrives.

I realize this is just me rambling but I hope someone, somewhere finds this helpful or reassuring.

➢ M

No fog and no dreams for me

Words

And so it came; the day. The day that were to change our lives, for ever. An anticipated day, nonetheless. I must admit it scared the living shit out of me (don’t know how shit can live but here we are). What I am talking about is J and M’s move to London; city of fog and dreams. It’s funny how something that is so far away suddenly is here, in a split second or two.

They have been in London for over two weeks now and I have to say that I am very happy for them. It would have been strange if I wasn’t since they are the best friends a girl like me could ever dream of having. But alas, one can always feel more than one feeling at once. How I miss them. And envy them. And just want to laugh with them again. Face to face. I am sorry FaceTime but you just can’t live up to the real thing, with your bad reception and infinit pixels.

But the emotion which I feel the most is the general feeling of being lost. What am I to do with life? I don’t study and I don’t have a job (hopefully I will, soon). Not that my entire world spun around J and M but it’s still really confusing. But maybe, just maybe, everything happens for a reason and that the Universe has a plan and a reson for this. At least that’s want I will tell myself whenever I think about it (which is all the time). I really need to find a hobby or something…

IMG_3384 kopia.JPG

With the obvious danger of sounding completely cliché but maybe they moved so that I could find my own way; on my own. Yep, definitely a huge, mega cliché. Or perhaps it’s a giga-cliché?

Hopefully J and M will be posting something about their new adventure real soon. But finding jobs and somewhere to live trumps this little escape I guess. Well, I think it’s time for me to get on with my knitting now; the hobby search has just begun!

⇝K 

Survival Study Guide – Back 2 School w/ EC

Inspiration

I’m no expert when it comes to studying, I’m not the best at it. But I actually like it and I think I’ve found a few things that work (at least for me). So here are my best tips for surviving your studies!

  • calendar + lists = planning
    I’ve mentioned it before but I really like planning. Having a really good calendar or planner is essential and will most definitely save you a lot of stress, time and confusion. You will know when to do what, and also it will stop you from forgetting exams and reports. Basically, it will just make your life and your studies so much easier.
  • study strategies
    Finding your own strategies to get things done and focus is very important, but how do you do that then? You try different things to see what works best! Try listening to music, does that help your focus or is it making you wanna dance instead of studying? Where and with who should you do your homework or review notes? Sometimes it’s a good idea to have study buddies but not always. Maybe you work best in the library, or maybe in the comfort of your own bedroom. Try it all and see what works, and then use the strategies you find works the best! It can also be different strategies for different subjects or scenarios. And sometimes combining strategies can really be the best bet (for example, to prepare for an exam, discuss with friends and then review)!
  • procrastinating
    I’m not going to tell you straight up stop procrastinating and just do it (insert meme here), because I should know that it’s not easy to do that. But, what I can tell you is that you will have to learn how to be efficient if you procrastinate. Of course, the best would be if you started writing/preparing for that report way in advance, but if that’s not possible for you, then just be efficient with your work and learn how to get things done. This is difficult to explain… But if you start studying for an exam or writing the report just a few days before due, then you can afford to waste time. Don’t sit there and wait for the report to write itself or for the knowledge to jump into your brain – do it! And do it without distractions, don’t try doing it for a couple of hours with your phone next to you or watching a movie, instead take two hours and be efficient! This goes hand in hand with study strategies, naturally.
  • stay active during lessons
    This is a very obvious one, but it might also be my best one. Pay attention to the lesson (if that’s what works for you)! You might think the lesson is super boring but the only one losing on not listening is you. And if you listen, be sure to actually be an active listener, take notes! For me, this is (most of the time) essential to my studies. Then review those notes to really get the information into your brain. Make sure to bring pens! Also, when reading and sorting through your notes, make them more fun and easy to follow by using different coloured highlighters and markers. Always bring your pencil case – see it as your chosen weapons of battle; pick them carefully and make sure they work wonders for your notes.
  • take breaks
    One thing as important as being efficient during the time you actually study – take efficient breaks! What do I mean by this? While your doing your homework or whatever, take breaks where you truly pause your studies and just do something different. Also snacks. Snack loads, okay? You can forget to eat when you’re stressed, so remember to refuel! I also recommend longer breaks. D0 things that make you truly relax. Friends and study buddies help here too. Stress relief is so important. I just recently started meditating and body scanning, but it’s so good and it truly helps you focus on what’s important. It brings clarity to everything. Your health is always crucial.
  • be interested – stay positive
    Okay, I was wrong when I said active lessons was my best tip. This is what truly has helped me throughout my studies. Be interested in the subjects, be eager to learn more and do more, don’t just see it as something you “must” do. See it as something you want to do. Of course getting good grades and stuff can motivate you, but I find that if you’re genuinely interested, you’re more likely to actually do your best and learn more. Stay positive, school is not the worst! If you think of it as dreadful and a prison, it will become just that. I try to not hate school. I know saying things like “you’re lucky to be able to go to school” might seem like a cliche but it is true – but see it as your job and also what you want to do. Just stay curious!

 

I think that was it. I probably missed loads but that’s okay. Please remember that school is not forever, and when you stop seeing it as the most boring thing in the world, it actually can become fun! You will find yourself missing school in just a couple of years. And even if you think nothing you learn about will help you in the future, it actually will. Maybe not the derivative of x, but other things like planning, writing, learning new things, staying interested, checking up on the sources and being persistent in your work.

Good luck!

~J